On My Radar

So today turned out to be a crazy day for me. I woke up this morning with the thrilling news that an article I wrote for one of my favorite magazines EVER, Radar, was being published on their website. This had been a few weeks in the making and I was so excited that my whole bit on the USA meltdown was was going up. Then I realize that the hypertext link to my blog from www.radaronline.com isn’t working and this stinks. I write to my editor and he deals me a double whammy; he cannot fix the link to my blog because he no longer has access to the site because the site has officially been bought (as of noon) and my article was the last article to published on the site, EVER. The rights to the name http://www.radaronline.com now belong to somebody else and it will be a Star Magazine-esque gossip site. So who knows when the current incarnation of Radar will be taken off line but until then my article is at the top of the site! If you don’t know about Radar, spend some time there while you still can catching up on their very hilarious, yet very relevant articles. I am really, really going to miss their style and naughtiness but I am also very, very honored by my unintended relevance as their final word.

The Financial Meltdown: It Was In the Stars

One remarkable aspect of the current financial crisis that most of our relevant experts—mainstream economists, captains of finance, lawmakers, regulators, journalists (ha!), ratings agencies, and so on—seem to have had no clue what the hell was going on until major financial institutions started blowing up. Nor do they seem particularly clued in even now. Witness that a Goldman Sachs honcho who helped make the mess, and in the process pocketed a half billion dollars while running under the handle “Mr. Risk,” is now in charge of the rescue efforts. We remain chin-deep in lunacy. So, given the poor performance of so many respectable disciplines, we decided to consult an expert from a field that is a bit more comfortable with craziness. Aurora Tower is a professional astrologer and a graduate of Brown University (where she created a study course entitled Ancient Babylonian Astrology) who blogs about spheres’ influence on pop culture. Plus, it’s pretty much guaranteed her perspective will be more useful than Alan Greenspan‘s.

The financial meltdown has occurred at an interesting time astrologically. In the current position of the planets, one can find clues about both the roots of the crisis and the road ahead:

PLUTO in CAPRICORN: Astrologically, Pluto is a bit like PCP, inspiring you to just do things no matter how bizarre or self-destructive, while also allowing you to harbor delusions that your behavior is perfectly normal. It was Pluto in wildly impractical Sagittarius for the past 13 years that got us into this whole mess. Sagittarius loves all things speculative (hello, CDOs), and this astrological epoch is the starry equivalent of one of James Brown’s epic binges. In this case the cops (and subsequent rehab facilities) are represented by Capricorn, which Pluto is now moving into. The party is over. While Sagittarius is out betting the kids’ college fund in a corner dice game, uptight Capricorn is staying home putting the household budget into Quicken and planning the next week’s brown bag lunches. And, until 2024, that’s more or less what you’ll be doing too.

SATURN opposite URANUS: Saturn is Capricorn’s enforcer, always monitoring you and ready to punish naughtiness. We have been very naughty and Saturn is giving us a spanking. The combined effect of this and the rebellious influence of Uranus is creating calamities left and right. Ultimately all this chaos will cause us to give up all things hopelessly romantic and impractical in our lives and get ready for the brass tacks era of Pluto in Capricorn. The exact date of the Saturn/Uranus opposition occurs on—you guessed it—November 4, 2008. It’s difficult to say what exactly this means except that you should be prepared for weirdness!

JUPITER opposite the USA SUN: Having a birthday on July 4, 1776 means our nation’s sun sign is overly sentimental Cancer. And with high-roller Jupiter, the patron saint of party boy Sagittarius, in a nasty opposition to Cancer, the USA is still rolling with some delusional behavior. You know those mornings you wake up and your mouth feels like the bottom of a birdcage and you recall with no small amount of horror how the night before you were talking too loud, making promises you have no intention of honoring, and generally acting like a douchebag? Turns out, maybe it wasn’t your fault. Quite possibly the cocky planet of Jupiter was making a nasty aspect to your sun sign. Take said example and apply on the national level. We are so writing checks we cannot cash. Do our plans for cleaning up this mess sound like grandiose and overly optimistic nonsense to you? They are.

MERCURY RETROGRADE (September 24 – October 15): In fact this whole bailout package was orchestrated, proposed, and legislated while Mercury, god of pranksters and good old fashioned liars, was enjoying one of those three-week periods when he has divine power to let all hell break loose. Known as the Mercury retrograde, all matters having to do with communication are put in a tragic tailspin; computers crash, blackberries drunk dial exes, and the only copy of your screenplay goes missing on its way to Harvey Weinstein‘s office. Agreements signed during Mercury retrograde mutate faster than John McCain‘s skin cells. Bush proposed the bailout package on September 24. Paulson announced the Treasury’s plans in the middle of October, just before Mercury went direct. ‘Nuff said.

On the positive side, Venus in Scorpio all month means you have superhuman powers in the sack. So if you manage to pick up a girl in spite of now being too poor to buy her a drink, have a blast!